But It Was Just A Paper Bag

 "Fashion is nothing but a contest to see who can look the most like a retarded clown"

Advice given to me during high school chemistry when I was caught trying to hide a V magazine inside my textbook and as anyone who's ever bought a V before knows, that's quite the Herculean task. My teacher marched right over, looked down at the magazine, and bestowed his "sage" wisdom upon the entire class. Immediately, I felt compelled to put on my suit of armor and defend the honor of my friend, mistress, and lover. I argued that fashion was more than handbags and high heels. It was identity, emotion. It is art in its most compelling form and fashion designers are the ones holding the paint brushes. As Stanley Tucci once said to a poly blend clad Anne Hathaway, "...what they created was greater than art because you live your life in it." But my chemistry teacher couldn't see it. Refused, even. He was a man of science and not a true man of the cloth (get it?).

I've had many arguments like that, preaching to nonbelievers about the impact of la mode. I pretty much give designers carte blanche over their creations, absolving them from any form of practicality. If you want to wear a jacket made of hair à la Maison Martin Margiela, fine. Want to ward off potential suitors with Victor & Rolf's statement making "No" collection? Great. Even now I think it's perfectly acceptable to go from catwalk to sidewalk in Alexander McQueen's Armadillo Heel. In some cases the item is just bizarre enough to be undeniably chic, such was the case with Elsa Schiaparelli's shoe hat. It became a declaration of good taste. Stylish women everywhere were wearing her shoe-inspired creation on their head.

This season the fashion powers that be have given us the Jil Sander Vasari bag, which is resembles an average paper bag. In Schiaparell's case, the shoe hat was more than a shoe, but the Vasari is quite literally a brown paper bag. I may be the sworn defender of fashion, but even I can't justify this one. With a price tag of $290, the Vasari is one of the most coveted items of the season. I'm afraid its popularity gives people license to carry around whatever they can find in their kitchen drawers. People are already using garbage bags as luggage. Does this mean we're collectively headed towards the storage aisle for our accessory needs? What's next? Ziploc bag clutches? To their credit, there is a more luxe version made of leather. That one costs around $800, as if adding cowhide justifies the price.

You won't look like a "retarded clown" carrying this bag, but you will end up looking like an elementary school kid that got lost on their way to the cafeteria. In today's economically unstable times, it's important to consider the alternatives. One could, say, go into their local Walmart and pick up a whole pack of paper bags. 25 bags for a fraction of the price of 1. Then you could take them home and write JIL SANDER on the front with a black Sharpie. It's the least time consuming DIY project of the century. I can't help but wonder what this says about the designer (who I hope wasn't Raf Simons, but rather some intern in the accessories department) and the fashion industry as a whole. Are they/it lazy or ingenious? Inspiration does come from the strangest places, but how inspired do you have to be to slap a label on a paper bag? Grocery stores have been doing it for years. The genius part of it all is that the bag is practically sold out everywhere; meaning people are actually buying it. And not just buying it, but feigning after it. I refuse to believe my chemistry teacher was right in his staunch belief that fashion lacks depth, that it's just a bunch of label-hungry fools willing to buy anything their told. Maybe the bag is some social statement about the caste system and we're not getting it. Or maybe it really is just a paper bag and the joke's on us. This is one purchase I'll be steering clear of, mostly because I prefer bags that don't fall apart in the rain.

As a tribute to the topic at hand, I give you one of my favorite Fiona Apple songs, "Paper Bag". Cool points if you can find the post title in the lyrics: