How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse In Style

My news outlets are bursting with stories about recent zombie-like attacks. And when I say "news outlets" I mean text messages and my Facebook news feed; hardly CNN or The New York Times, but nevertheless trusted sources. When someone dies, I log onto Facebook. I get my news from the people. The offenders' behavior is said to be a result of drug use. "Bath salts" in one and PCP in another. Personally, I've never known drugs to cause someone to eat a face off. They've maybe caused a few to believe they lost their face, but never eat one off. This is some zombie stuff the government is trying to cover up. Somewhere some drug trial participant went rogue. All signs point to Florida. In any case, preparation is key. But what do we honestly have to look forward to? 28 Days Later, Resident Evil, and The Walking Dead all predict tattered clothing and soleless shoes. No, I'm not going out like that. If the zombie apocalypse comes, I have to do it in style.

Shoes

I've always been an opponent of athletic footwear. I never run, so I don't see the point in wearing running shoes. I've always chosen look over feel. In a perfect apocalypse, I could walk for miles in the new pair of bejeweled oxfords I bought, but these things rarely work out the way you want them to. Thankfully, fashion sneakers have become a recent trend. Isabel Marant, Marc Jacobs, Raf Simons, Prada - lots of designers have looked to the sneaker for inspiration. If I absolutely must wear sneakers, all I ask is that you remove them should I get bitten. Regardless of how sneakers have infiltrated the realm of high fashion, I cannot die in them. I at least want my reanimated corpse to look polished. I do recommend you carry a pair of stylish shoes, just in case you run into some high-profile survivors. If you just can't picture life without pumps, even with a zombie gnawing at your ankle, you could always use the heel to impale your attacker. Spiked heels are great for this occasion, the perfect way to show those zombies you're not to be messed with. And when you want to maintain your Alice (Resident Evil) impression and rest your feet, there's always spiked flats. (Steve Madden Silver Studded Flat, Jeffrey Campbell Lita Spike 2, Jeffrey Campbell, Tawny, Blink Aeroo Metal Sneaker, Raf Simons Hi-Top Sneakers, Adidas Originals by Jeremy Scott Wings and Stars Hi-Top Sneakers)

Jackets

The good news is many utility jackets are already stylish. I myself have been looking for the perfect military jacket for ages, spending many afternoons digging through bins at The Army Navy surplus. During the apocalypse, it's imperative that one find a jacket made of durable fabric, something protective and posh. A denim, leather, or whatever those military jackets are made of. Some are more expensive than others, but think of it as an investment. This is your life we're talking about. (Zara Combined Sections Parka, H&M Leather Jacket, Adidas Slvr Fencing Jacket, Topman x Oliver Spencer Denim Biker, Maison Martin Margiela Military Jacket)

Bags

Rule# 1: huge handbags are back in. Those cute little clutches that are so hot right now aren't going to carry a damn thing. You can't fight a zombie with a credit card and lip gloss. Maybe a clutch would work for evening slayings, but for the everyday you're gonna need something that says "I mean business" or "Don't eat me. Eat the girl wearing a fanny pack" at the very least.  And depending on its size and weight it could also be used to bludgeon a few "walkers". (Baggu Endlessly Useful Emerald Shopper Bag, Topshop Box Chain Leather Bag, Chanel Overnight Bag, Alexander Wang Golf Bag, Pieces Olya Bag)

Pants
I love micro shorts. In fact, that's probably an understatement. I worship at the altar of micro shorts. I've been known to rile up a few construction workers in a pair (they thought I was a girl). So it pains me to say this, but they just won't do in this kind of world. You need pants. Even as I write this, the voices of every adult I've ever known repeating the same thing echoes in my head. You don't want to get bit by something and then die because you couldn't get your hands on some antibiotics. Not after all the heads you've severed. The best bet would be a pair of skinny jeans. Cut close to the body to maximize speed. No more talk about the Wide Leg Trouser coming back. The WLT can sit its ass down. That's a pant for safer times. (Julius Patch Skinny Jean, Mango Rolling Jean, Moto Jaguar Metallic Leigh Jeans, Ksubi Van Winkle Skinny Jean)

Shirts

You won't have time to button your favorite blouse when your neighbor is trying chew off your arm. The Zombie Apocalypse is going to be all about zippers, Velcro, and throwing things on. Buttons will become a luxury you can't afford. The basic tee is a practical choice. What does every rugged hero wear in every action movie? A basic tee. But not just any basic tee, opt for a slimmer, fitted cut. 1. Zombies can easily grab onto loose fabric and 2. No one ever said you had to be a sloppy looking zombie slayer.  (Carven Crossover T-Shirt, Hanes Basic Tee, Comme des Garçons Shirt Fine Rib Tee, 3.1 Phillip Lim Draped T-Shirt, Givenchy Cutout Tank, T by Alexander Wang Sheer Short Sleeve Jersey Tee)

Accessories 

Wear all the spikiest rings, bracelets, and necklaces you can find. Simple. (Topshop Pearl Spike Ring, ASOS Spike Clamp Bangle, Pamela Love Spiked Resin Cuff, ASOS Rocco Articulated Statement Necklace)

Gloves

One useful piece that is often overlooked. You don't want to get brain under those nails. (Ann Demeulemeester Lace-Up Glove, Hayatochiri Yellow Spiked Glove, ASOS Lace Gloves, Forzieri Women's Red Perforated Italian Leather Gloves, Romwe Half Hand Black Gloves)

Weaponry

Eventually you will need real weapons, other than the ones you wear. The Walking Dead has taught us to go for more silent killers - crossbows, knives - generally found in dark or muted colors, but in today's DIY world you could always buy some rhinestones and bedazzle those suckers before the shit really hits the fan. 

Now, some of these pieces are ridiculously expensive. Others are not. I tried to create a mix of high and low. When making purchasing decisions, consider this: If the banks fall, which they probably will, money will be worthless. There will be no such thing as credit card debt, student loans, or America's massive debt to China. I'm certainly not suggesting you go out and blow all your money on cute clothes. Save your cash for underneath your mattress. The items I've chosen are meant to inspire. Except for the Chanel bag, I'm going after that hardcore. Trust me, once the electricity fails, rendering security alarms obsolete, Chanel will be my first stop. Take the Julius jeans, for instance: If you're willing to pay $885 for a pair of shredded jeans, you deserve to get eaten by a zombie. But Topman produced a similar pair for their Topman Design Fall 2010 collection. Track those down. Consider it practice for when you're hunting squirrels for dinner.

Green

Jil Sander Python Print Tee,
Proenza Schouler Tropical Green PS1 Large,
Burberry Raffia Coat,
Jil Sander Trousers

My iron is low. I say that casually because my iron is always low. No matter what I do, I can never seem to get it up and it's just become this thing, a character trait, like blue eyes. Your eyes are blue and my iron is low. It's not life threatening, so don't go planning any bake sales in my honor. One really good way to increase iron intake, my doctors say, is to eat plenty of "green leafy vegetables" - turnip greens, spinach, cabbage. Apparently it's like really important to get those in and stuff. And I have made the sincerest efforts, but to no effect. I've done everything short of swallowing a metal rod.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome, I no longer wish to carry out this charade. I figure it's high time I put this top dollar college education to use and develop a solution for my woes.

My body plays by its own rules, with a set of instructions not even I can decipher. If my body isn't absorbing the necessary nutrients through the food I eat then maybe, just maybe, it will through the colors I wear. I propose I wear green; sort of like a solar panel absorption effect. Think about it, I could wear green clothing and my body could get all the nutrients it needs that way. I wouldn't even have to learn to cook kale.

Truthfully, I've been craving green things like crazy (pictured above). Probably like I should be craving those green leafy vegetables. Green has just become my color for the season I guess. Most would go for a turquoise or orange, something that really screams "Get ready to melt", but I figure a nice green speaks to the season well - blooming flowers, returning leaves, freshly cut grass. It's a surprisingly versatile color. Depending on the shade it could either be a great neutral or an amusing pop color. I haven't been discriminating. Of course, I'm not trying to look like the Jolly Green Giant (which, take note, can easily be accomplished if one goes overboard), although I'm so tempted to put the pictured Jil Sander pieces together. I'm just attempting to take my wardrobe in a new direction; looking good and getting the iron I need.

H&M x Marni

Since the announcement last November, the fashion sect has been drooling over the H&M collaboration with Marni for spring 2012. Hard-hitting news journals and blogs alike post the same pre-packaged quotes praising the brand for its print mixing, construction, and color blocking skills. Consuelo Castiglioni and her team produce quality work and they do possess such skills. However, I wouldn't call Marni an "Italian powerhouse" nor would I liken the brand to "one of the hottest tickets at Milan fashion week". That title would go to Missoni or Prada, certainly not Marni. Somebody at H&M must owe someone at Marni a favor - a saved child or rescued pet at the very least - because the matching doesn't make sense.

I'm not impressed. H&M could have (and should have) found a better act to follow Versace, a collection I found irresistible. I swooned over the palm tree print sweater, leggings, and button downs and even paid the inflammatory eBay prices for two pieces. The Versace collection was successful because for the first time in H&M history, they chose a partner who put a great deal of creativity into their womenswear as well as their menswear. 

In a perfect world, H&M would be able choose any partner. But unfortunately, the world we live in isn't perfect. Brands have to protect their identities, designers have egos, and a certain level of exclusivity has to be maintained. So, while I'm not holding my breath for that H&M x Dior collection, I still think there's a great deal of design talent out there that could bring a lot to the mass market audience of H&M.

H&M x Christopher Kane:
No stranger to retail mash-ups, Christopher Kane has worked with Topshop in the past and recently designed a capsule collection for J Brand. The collaboration with the denim brand doesn't showcase his true talent, though. Anyone can make neon denim, but not everyone can do what Christopher Kane does.

I love his printed short sets. The digital prints are mesmerizing and look amazing when paired together. I think H&M's male consumers would really respond to them. The gel clutch from Fall 201 was perhaps one of the most beautiful things I've ever laid eyes on. It could have easily been elementary school gone wrong; like ridiculously expensive Lisa Frank. Needless to say, it went very right. His womenswear is smart and truly fashion-forward. I know a lot designers claim to be at forefront of design, but he really is. I promise.

I bought a Christoper Kane dress at a Barneys warehouse sale a few years back. I never wear it because I don't exactly attend galas or other highbrow events and that's pretty much the only acceptable venue for such a special piece. I saw it and had to have it, like I could not continue life without it.

H&M x Raf Simons:
Raf Simons is the unsung hero of the fashion world - the Peter Parker, the Clark Kent - as evidenced by his superhuman designs. He did great work for Jil Sander and continues to take his namesake label to new heights. He's one of few designers that create thought provoking menswear and womenswear. 

For men, his innovation lies more so in details rather than the overall design. Color choice is another one of his strengths. I'm still lusting after his Spring 2011 collection with all the color blocking, scouring eBay for any leftovers. For women, Simons is responsible for the resurgence of peplum into mainstream fashion. Once he sent them down the runway, they became unavoidable. Everyone was doing it and still continue to do it. Most designer collections are either completely masculine hardcore or freaking harlequin romance novels. Simons carefully rations out the drama and balances aspects of both worlds, which makes for collections that always tell an interesting story.

H&M x Givenchy:
Were this collaboration ever to come to fruition it would be a game changer, plain and simple. Givenchy's edgy dark horse sensibility is something H&M tries to do but somehow always falls short, probably for lack of funds or resources. Mass market retailers aren't exactly known for their well-funded couturiers.

Riccardo Tisci's couture is the stuff of dreams. Often drawing inspiration from unlikely sources like samurai and human anatomy, his couture work is always breathtaking, provocative, and insightful. Something similar at a lower price point would be a welcome change to the basic leggings and mini skirts currently filling the racks of H&M. Tisci would be able to really bring couture elements to the designer collaboration world, something that's never been done before. Ever. He would be able to create something special and beautiful without the consumer having to sell their first born child.

The dinosaur tooth necklaces from Spring 2012 were incredible. It was like, "Let's take this cheesy thing from childhood, make it high fashion, and watch everyone fight over it". Just an example of the adaptation of primitive elements that sets Givenchy apart. A prehistoric object that somehow manages to be futuristic.

In the world of Givenchy menswear, there's no room for delicate sensibilities. It's masculine. It's muscle. It exudes a sort of intellectual aggression, perfect for men who want to test the waters of fashion without drowning. The clothing isn't all bruises and bar fights, though. Tisci often uses elements of womenswear in his mens and makes a look so natural you don't even notice. The Givenchy man will kick your ass and he'll do it in a skirt, making no apologies.

Next time, maybe H&M will approach a brand whose menswear and womenswear come together to form a cohesive aesthetic. The menswear should reflect and contain elements of the womenswear and vice versa. That's what makes a good collaborative effort, something for everybody. Nobody should be bored. Now is the time for mass market to be exciting. Our purchasing options have become way too safe. Yes, safe makes money. Safe keeps the business afloat and people employed. Safe is also what keeps Americans in Mom Jeans. Retailers like H&M should start working to get middle America to be more comfortable with making unconventional choices when it comes to their wardrobe. Everything they own may be from Costco, but their money is green too. Show them what they could have not just what you think they already want. In order to avoid becoming Aeropostale, H&M needs to decide whether it's utilitarian or aspirational. Are they in the business of selling clothing or selling dreams?

Ladyboy Realness

Ladies and Ladyboys, I give you Andrej Pejic. The fashion world is all aflutter with news of this androgyne. He's walked for menswear and couture and has campaigns lined up out the ass.   Everyone is so amazed that he's a boy that looks like a girl as if it's some anomaly that occurs once every 75,000 years. While the fashion crowd my fawn, I say get in line. The Tranny Train has long since left the station. As someone who is often mistaken for a female, I don't understand what the big deal is. Of course, he looks like a girl and ends up becoming an international fashion model. I look like a girl and become bait for drunken homeless men.

Weeks before a surgery, I had to have a consultation with my doctor. Because I have yet to remaster the art of walking long distances, my father had to push me to the waiting area in a wheelchair. As he was maneuvering me into a parked position, a woman elbow deep in a bag of potato chips turned her attention away from her lunch to me.

I pretended not to notice her. Instead, I fumbled with the Safari app on my iPhone, trying to find a website that would make me look like I was doing something important (they should make an app for that). It used to be that when you buried your head in your cell phone people left you alone - a Do Not Disturb sign for the technological age. Now, people just don't care. So much for social graces.

And so the waiting room banter began. "I just love Dr. P. I've been seeing her since July". In between open-mouthed chews she asked what I was there for. Before I could answer, she interjected with "Oh, are you here for -", while gesturing towards her chest and mouthing the words "your breasts?" I guess she figured discretion was necessary being that my father was the only male in the area and women, even when seated in the waiting room of a plastic surgeon's office, need to maintain an air of mystery.

Taken aback and embarrassed in my father's presence I emphatically replied "No, no, no! I'm here for my leg!" and began pointing at it as if her x-ray vision could see what was wrong. She skeptically gave me a sideways glance and returned to her chips. I should have said "I'm here for my leg and I have a penis", but even then she would probably assume I'm a hermaphrodite instead of just going with the easier "Maybe he's a boy".

Another time, while at the bank, I gave the teller my ID with my given name on it - a name that is quite obviously masculine - and she took one look at me and said "Wow. Joseph. I never met a girl with that name before. That's unique". I just took my deposit slip and smiled. Although, in her defense, I was carrying a gold Chanel bag so that was probably just her Midwestern mind trying to make sense of the situation.

Among the many gender reclassification stories I could tell, my favorite has to be the time I was asked if I still menstruate. Apparently, I not only look like a woman. I look like a cast member of Golden Girls.

As awkward as the situation is, it's even more awkward to have to openly declare your gender; so I just continue the charade until I can politely excuse myself. I love that even on my worst days someone will address me as she, miss, or ma'am. It almost gives me a sense of pride. For me, fashion is largely about creating characters or an exaggerated version of self; a way of bringing a little fantasy into my reality. And the fact that I can pass as female means I can create more characters, which means I can justify buying that much more clothes.

D.V.

I've been stuck in this medical purgatory for the past month. My days are filled with rest interrupted by antsy doctors, NSA's with a need to check blood pressure every 20 minutes, tube feeds, and therapists trying to evaluate me through my purchases e.g. "Why the green bag?"). My nights are pretty much the same thing, with even less sleep and my early mornings are met with blood work. That, and they're constantly telling me I can't eat for reasons I swear they make up minutes before. For months we've been trying to get me just look at food. Now, I want to do more than look. I want to ravish it. I want to gorge on it and they tell me I can't eat, dangling food in front of me on a string. Cut to me hoarding chicken wings, cheeseburgers, and fries in my room. And mild sauce! Mild sauce makes everything worlds better.

They keep offering me ice chips to compensate. Like flecks of frozen water could ever take the place of an extra large corned beef sandwich with peppers. Needless to say, I don't want any freaking ice chips!!! Too bad this isn't a blog about uncontrollable gluttony. It does however have a point, which I promise I'm getting to.

The point is: This ordeal has become somewhat bearable because of D.V. by Diana Vreeland, the memoir of former editrix in chief of American VOGUE.

It's a memoir, so it's validity is questionable but for conversation's sake (and my fanatical dreams) let's just say every word on every page is true. And in assuming this, one would find that Diana Vreeland led one of the most charmed lives. Born in Paris with addresses in London and New York, vacations in places like Tunisia, Morocco, Spain, Budapest, Russia, Wyoming even. I sincerely doubt there is a patch of earth that hasn't been touched by the soles of her shoes. Friends with Coco Chanel. An advisor to Jack Nicholson. Dinners with the most extraordinary people of her time - Cole Porter, Josephine Baker.

My life right now isn't nearly as glamorous as hers. But who's to say that, with a lot of work and passport stamps, it will be. I see myself succeeding her one day. I want it all. The Times Square office. The positively "medical" looking chair. 

You really should read it. It's written as if she's sitting across from you so a lot of things are described like "as tall as you are" and "out to here", which I find truly endearing because It reads as if the two of us are sipping tea or sharing a meal (although, fun fact, she despised business lunches).

I will say this: women like DV aren't be taught, they just are. You could live your life to every detail and it wouldn't be a quarter graceful, smart, or charming. Because of that allure, she provides a sense of escapism for me. As I read, I imagine myself sauntering through speakeasies, being held at the mercy of a flock of peacocks - embodying the true tenacious spirit of Ms. D.V.

Hospital Gowns, Hospital Frowns

Due to circumstances way beyond my control, I'm back in the hospital. Every prison sentencing hospital visit has a common thread: I never wear any hospital attire unless it is explicitly unavoidable. Nor will I ever, that is, unless Mademoiselle Coco Chanel rises from the grave to design an exclusive line of medical issue hospital gowns.

The doctors and nurses just don't get it. Sure, it convenient for them, but those gowns are ugly. I'm already depressed that I have to be here, inhaling the fumes of cleaning agents and pre-packaged medical supplies. I shouldn't be made to feel worse by having to spend my days in a cotton smock.

The dresses pictured above would make perfectly reasonable replacements. Stylish, but not constricting. Comfortable without looking like a slob. The oversized mohair sweater dress does have a burlap sack look to it, but I'm willing to overlook that if only for the fact that it's childlike cut is endearing. It doesn't just hang off the body, it envelops the body; like a grown-up security blanket. And in a place as uncertain as a hospital, it's nice to have that protection.

The white multi-layered shirt dress is pure fantasy. A fairytale piece. Soft, delicate. Everything you want to feel while waiting for test results. And look, there's snaps, which automatically make it utilitarian too!

**Street style photos courtesy of JAK AND JIL and STREETFSN

Winter Brights

As the leaves begin to fall, so begins the search for the perfect cold weather coat. And in Chicago, where the winter is eternal, a coat is mandatory. Hell, for Chicago winter a fully insulated, thermal body suit is mandatory, but I'll settle for a coat. Gray, black, and navy usually dominate this time of year. But with electric blues, lime greens, and bright oranges, this winter is all about color. It's as if the CFDA took a bribe from the Crayola corporation. Many designers took the Brighter is Better approach. At Burberry, a veritable rainbow of coats were sent down the runway, but Raf Simons designed the best of them all - a classic knee-length purple coat - for his own label.

 I never imagined I would want a purple coat, especially one that could potentially get me mistaken for Barney the Friendly Dinosaur, but the heart wants what the heart wants. The cut is so regal, so debonair; the definition of class. And the saturated, unconventional color choice makes it a refreshing take on a winter classic.